Introspective Claptrap

Something has changed. I went to PA for two weeks and left my family behind. This was a vacation to meet two "almost" strangers who quickly became very good friends and during the visit, something changed in me, for me, and since coming home, I've been worrying at it like a dog with a bone.

While I was gone, those two weeks without the responsibilities, joys, duties of being a wife and mother (except for the phone calls) I was completely free to be me. I could be happy, sad, depressed, joyful, sarcastic, introspective, extroverted, funny, grumpy, whatever I wanted. I had the freedom to read, to play, to bead, to do anything I wanted or just to be.

After 17 years of being a wife and a mother just being me was bewildering to say the least. And still is.

Laurie, one of my new dear friends, made the comment "Midlife crisis" during my moment of just letting go of everything and being totally wild, happy and manic. If that was a crisis, bring it on, let's have more of it.

However, coming home again, assuming the "role" of being mother and wife and conforming to the rules of both have left a certain disquietude within me. Who WAS that person, was that REALLY me and if so, who am I now? Do I even like who I have become? What do I do with what I found?

I love my children and being their mother, I wouldn't trade it for anything. However, I think I have found that there is much more to me than that. The question is, what do I do with it? Do I quietly put it away and save it for when the last one leaves home (at least 10 years until college), am I able to even DO that?

There is an old saying, " A little Knowledge is a Dangerous thing". Take the word "knowledge" out and substitute "freedom" and that's where I am. Having tasted it, I'm greedy for more. And yet... I am still a wife and mother. I still have responsibilities, duties, a role to perform. It will be interesting to say the least to see if some of what I have discovered bubbles out in weird and wonderful ways or if I quietly fall into line and do /be what I have always done/been.