Being unemployed

This is such a weird place to be at this point in my life. I'm 54 years old and have been unemployed for a little over two years. My unemployment will be exhaused in six weeks and we are teetering on the edge of losing everything. I've got to check this week to see how much I will lose on the two 401Ks I have if I cash them out. I have to deal with the reality that if I don't cash them out we will have no place to live.



I'm battling depression and living up to Jeannes Dixon's description of me: "you start a lot of things that you don't finish." (As Activities Vice President I hired her to speak at a community college years ago. She held my ring finger and made that statement.) Can't tell you how many times that has haunted me.



This has been such a roller coaster ride but I'm tired of going down. Every time we think we have come up with an alternative to our living situation, something goes awry and we have to try something else. I've got religious folk offering their prayers and other offering ideas that have already been tried on and tossed. I have my husband trying to reassure me that it's not my fault that we're in this mess; but we would'nt BE in this mess if I was working. Heavy sigh....



I don't know when or how this ride will end, but I know it will eventually. Just afraid of the additional cost. All this for standing up for something I believed in at work. Will I ever be able to understand why I was the only one who stood up? At the same time I wish I was one of the former co-workers who held on until they found another job or quit without a job to go to. Even though I am proud I held onto my integrity and know I am a better person for it, I foolishly thought that good karma was going to kick in and end this drought.